This Is Me

My entire life ive always wanted to be a mother. Its just one of those things ive always desired and absoulty knew that that was something i was going to become someday. if i did nothing else but that i would always be happy. The thing is i never expected to be so young when i had my first child. Never in a million years did i expect to get pregant at 15 and deliver my baby at 16.

When that nurse came into the room and told my mom and i that the test was postive and i was pregnat the whole world seem to stand still. my heart just dropped, and skipped a beat. i couldnt seem to believe it. i just replayed that moment in my head over and over again. So many emotions and thoughts ran through me at that moment.

My mom already knew everything at that point, my whole story. My rape, my struggle with the babys father, so she was right by my side when i fount out that i would be expecting a child. for that reason complete fear overwhelmed me. Was she going to be mad? Im in so much trouble. Is she going to hate me and my baby? What will my dad do and think? What the heck am i going to do? were just some of the thoughts going through my mind at that moment. Looking back now i know all of those thoughts are just rediculous but at that moment they all seemed like a big possibilty, amazing what satan can make you believe in a moment of weakness....

Fear and hate were the two biggest emotions i think i felt right then. I really hated myself for allowing myself to be in that situation once again. Youd think i learn after the frist time and watch out for the signs of the possibilties that it could happen again. But somehow history repeated itself. So i was really beating myself up about the whole thing. I was teriffied of my parents reaction to the news. i was horrified of what was i going to do with a little baby entering my life, and i was severly kicking myself in the butt. Of course i had nothing to worry about. My mom comforted me as soon as the nurse said i was pregnat. She told me everything was going to be okay. That we would figure everything out together as a family. She said she loved me and this changes nothing, im still me and i was taken adavantage of. Nothing was my fault and that i will get through this, i am strong.

At the beginning og the pregancy it felt like i was stuck in a dream and all i wanted was to wake up and be normal again. Somedays throughout the pregancy i still had those days but as time went on i had less and less of them. I had morning sickness that lasted 7 months, but medicne helped most of thos months for me to be able to be normal and continue doing what i needed to do. Being pregant was the strangest and best feeling in the world. It was weird to actually have another human being inside of me, but it was also the best feeing i could have ever experianced. I loved feeling my baby boy wiggle inside of me. Over all i really enjoyed being pregant, and as it got closer to my due date i really dreaded it, i wanted to feel him inside me forever. I loved it even with all the close call complications. Morning sickness, borderline gestational diabetes, and borderline preeclampsia. And honestly i think being borderline gestational diabeties helped me in so many ways. it gave me the boost i needed to be more healthy and actually do something about my lifestyle, i didnt want to be unhealthy the rest of my life and that really helped me get on the right track. To me i look at that trial as a belssing.

Towards the end i got really comfortable and content with everything that was going on in my life. With the help of my mother and father, and my counsler, and the lord. I love my presicous little boy and because of the amazing little angel my life trurned completly around. My attitude tworad everything in life had changed from being completly negtive and hateful to postive and loving. I see things for what they are and people for who they really are, instead of making excuses for things that other people did or what i did wrong. Its like heavenly father allowed me to get pregant and have this baby to save me from going down a much more dangerous road, from slipping into what everyone else in the world did and turing my back on everything i loved and believed in, and honestly and truly i think thats what would eventually happen if i didnt get pregant. He placed this trial and struggle in front of me knowing without a doubt that i would overcome it, that i would get through it, this wasnt going to break me it was going to bless me and it really has.

When it came down to the day i was being induced i was naturally extremly nervous. I was scared. I had never gne through childbirth what was i suppose to expect. And like most mothers i was scard.afraid of anything going horibly wrong, the baby not breathing or not fully develpoed, or having a mental conditon. I think that worried me more then the actual labor part and the pain. Honestly the labor and the actual c-section wasnt as bad as i thought it was. Contractions were bearable and i think i couldve gone longer without the epidural. That wasnt bad either, i dont like needles so i was expecting the worst but it turned out just fine yeah it hurt but not like i was expecting. Of course i felt a whole lot better after i got it. just really extermely tired.

The c-section was really interesting. It felt so weird. Im really glad i couldnt see what they were doing to me. As soon as i heard my sons first cry a rush of joy, relief and ultimatly love overwhelmed my entire body. When they put him in my arms all i could think of was how beautiful and presicous he was, and still is. I saw my features in him and i just felt so much love for him. He was and is the only thing that matters to me. He is just so perfect and so innocent. All the love in the universe couldnt amount to the love i have for my baby Jack.

All throughout the hospital stay was great. My dad gave me a blessing the night before i went to the hospital and i think that made all the diference in the world. I had the best nurses i could have ever had to take care of me and my new little one. I had the most awesome (forgive me im going to spell this wrong) anistesiologist(?) that took care of my epidural and watched over me during my c-section, he stayed by me and explianed everything that was going on during it. Everything went smoothly even with the paperwork. But of course it couldnt last forever. That last day came quickly. Berfore i knew it it was time to sogn the adoption papers....

That literally was the hardest thing ive ever had to do. I almost didnt sign the papers. I just kept looking at Jack and the papers. Going to sign them and taking my pen back again. I wondered if i could sign them. How could i sign over the most important thing in my life? But eventually i did mixed up emotions, tears and all. They were signed and he wasnt mine anymore (legally anyway). Nothing could compare to that moment. I know i will never feel those exact emotions twice in my lifetime.

Three things helped my hand sign my name on those papers. 1; was clint and marianne. They have waited years for a perfect little baby to take care of and have as their own, and theyve already been turned down when they thought it was a done deal, how could i do that to them again? Theyve sufferd long enough how could i make them suffer any longer? 2: My heavenly Father. His guidence and wisdom is what led me here in the first place. His love is what protected me from all kinds of harm possible during this experiance. 3; Jack. Cint and marianne could give him everythng and so much more that i couldnt even hope to give him. They already had what he needed.A crib, carseat, dresser, changing table, a room to himself, clothes, dipers and everything else all brand new. i would struggle getting half of those things for him. He could have a loving father who holds the preisthood and a wonderful mother who will never give up and do anything for him. I would struggle the rest of my life just getting him the basics.

And the last and ultimate reason i could sign those dreaded papers was my Mother. Ever since the beginning she has been by my side. No matter what ive done shes always been right there, supporting me, comforting me, loving me. Ever since the day i was born into this world. Ever since the day i told her about my rape our relationship grew so much stronger. I dont know how she dose it but somehow she always knows when i need her most, because shes alwas there. Throughout this whole experiance shes been right there. All the doctors appointments and counseler apointments she was there. When i broke down to nothing because someone didnt care, she was there. When the nurse said i was expecting she was there. When i found out my baby was a boy she was there. Ther whole time i was in the hosptial she never left my side. When i signed the adoption papers she was right there. Never once did she leave me in the dark. Theres not one time she left my side. My mother was always there comforting me, telling me she loved me, telling me everythings going to be okay, and always guideing me in the right direction.

I have no doubt without my mom i couldnt do this. Shes been my rock, my foundation throughout my life and this experiacne only made that stronger. I love my mother with all my heart and i just wanted to say thank you mom. for everything youve done. Youve made such a difference in my life and im eteranlly grateful for you. I cant imagine my life witout you. I love you so much mom.

I wrote this to never forget my experiance and how i felt that day in the hospital. its long and im sorry if its a little too long or a little too much information, its just how i write, once i get going its hard to stop with details and everything else. alot of people have asked how i felt and how i dealt with everything and i hope this explains it a little more.Sister Sloane, thank you so much for everything youve done for me. i love you so much. Thank you for all your support and helping me understand things a little more i really look up to you and love you very much. i want to thank everyone for supporting me throughout all of this i love you all and im so grateful for you all.

Briana